Wednesday, February 26, 2014

My Letter to God

Normally, personal prayers are meant to be just that, personal. However, for some reason I feel like this is something that I should share. I know I haven't written in quite a long time and so much has happened. This is a letter that I wrote to God asking many questions regarding a specific issue in my life. It's something that I've really been struggling with in the past several weeks. In this letter I allow myself to be candid and vulnerable, open and honest.

Dear God,

What have I done? I'm struggling so much. I know that I can do better in my classes, but that's not what I'm worried about. I'm lonely. I'm so very tired of this lonely feeling. You promised that you would never leave me. If you're here with me right now, then why do I feel so alone? How long do I have to wait until I get to enjoy the company of a partner? Have I already met him, but I've pushed him away? Is my partner even a him? Is there someone out there for me, or am I called to live a life of solitude? Why won't you answer me? Are you even listening? Where are you? I'm tired of being the unintentional third wheel, or the obligatory invitee. I'm tired of seeing all the happy couples while I'm alone. Tired of seeing the ones who have someone to come home to; the ones who have someone to go to dinner with, send flowers to, leave notes for, the ones who have someone to curl up on the couch and watch movies with. Someone to fight with, someone to make up with. When will it be my turn? I'm trying to make sense of it all, but I can't. How do I get through this? What am I supposed to learn? When will I stop crying myself to sleep? I've looked, I've not looked. I've hurt, I've been hurt. I've done all but given up. I've had many people walk out on me over the years. For some I asked what was it I had done; others I was glad to see them go. I know there are many people who love me and care for me. Why am I so afraid to talk to them? Why am I so afraid to talk to you, God? I need you now more than ever to help me get through this. Not my will, but Yours. Guide me. Take me. Melt me. Mold me. Use me. Teach me. I'm Yours. You've called me by name and You've told me that I'm precious to You. You have made so many promises to me. Give me the understanding. Teach me Your will.

~James

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