Before I get started I want to put a disclaimer on this. The
views, opinions, and feelings expressed in this blog are solely mine and do not
reflect the views, beliefs, opinions, etc. of PCUSA, DOOR Network, First Church
of the Brethren, or Breakthrough Urban Ministries.
I’m sitting in a Starbucks listening to the hustle and
bustle of baristas, espresso machines, and friends laughing as they are
catching up after the weekend. I’m sipping on my orange blossom tea and
reflecting on the past six weeks. I can’t believe I’ve been here in the city
for a month and a half. These past several weeks have been a whirlwind of
emotions. I’m going to be very frank about some of the things I’ve been feeling
and experiencing.
I was very excited about this new experience. I was
especially excited about living in Chicago! I’ve always felt trapped living in
Danville. As an out gay man, there really was no place for me where I could be
myself 100%. I knew coming to Chicago I would be able to go out and not have
the great fear of being called horrible names or have things being thrown at
me. I was excited about being able to go to the “gay neighborhood” and meet
people, make new friends. I was excited about a new job working with two
different youth ministries. I was excited about having one of the greatest
cities, and all its benefits and opportunities, right outside my door.
The whirlwind of emotions started before I even arrived in
Chicago. I became so nervous and anxious I was making myself physically ill. I
remember the flight to New York for our YAV orientation. I had a fever, chills,
and my body ached. We arrived at Stony Point just after dinner, but they had
saved some food for those who arrived late. After I finished my food I made my
way to the auditorium for opening worship. After that service I felt like all
my fears had been taken away. It was incredible to see and feel the Lord’s
work. After that, I thought it was going to be smooth sailing from there on
out. Boy was I mistaken.
The week was filled with sessions ranging from cultural
competency, sexual misconduct, self-care, and a whole host of other topics. The
sexual misconduct session really seemed to irritate many of the YAVs. Why you
ask? Well, I’ll tell you. The facilitator of this session made it so hetero-centric
and hetero-normative completely ignoring that there are other types of
relationships than male and female. She was also implying that the only kind of
sexual misconduct happens between a male and a female, in which the male is the
aggressor. This caused much discussion amongst the YAVs after the session. The
YAV facilitators quickly caught on and realized how offended and upset many
were, they brought it up at the beginning of the next session and had a brief
discussion about how we were all feeling. Kudos YAV staff!!
By Thursday I was completely wiped out emotionally. I
remember during the evening worship service I completely broke down. I began
crying for what may have appeared to some as no real reason at all. Well, there
was a reason. The night before, I had called my mother to let her know I was OK
and that things were going well. Just a general “good son” check-in. Before I
hung up, she said “I love you.” I’ve always known my parents and family members
love me. It is not, however, something that we throw around a lot. I was caught
off guard. By the end of worship on Thursday my emotions were boiling over and
I needed to release. So, I did. I let the flood gates open. I was able to
process this with the orientation chaplain. When I signed up for this I did not
know it was going to be so intense emotionally.
The week wrapped up, we all said our good-bye’s, and began
our journeys to our cities to begin our year of service.
Two of my roommates and I arrived in Chicago and we met our
interim site coordinator, Benjamin. He took us to lunch, then to our house
where we began to get settled and to rest. We then had to go to the airport to
pick up our final roommate. She is not doing the YAV program, but rather going
directly through DOOR. We were treated to a wonderfully fabulous meal at The
Cheesecake Factory, and we were told not to get used to all the special and
good food.
Our first week in Chicago consisted of getting to know the
grid system of the city, meeting lots of people, visiting our placement sites,
and getting to know each other. After all, we would be living together for the
next year.
Our work week started the day after Labor Day. I did not
have to be at work until the afternoon (the joys of working in an afterschool
program). I didn’t do much during the day other than prepare myself mentally
for what I was about to encounter. I knew that my first week or so would be
learning about the program and what they do and those sorts of things. However,
I wasn’t expecting to do some of the things I had been doing: taking out the
trash, wiping down toilets, sweeping, vacuuming, etc. Don’t get me wrong, these
things have to be done. I was given the impression I’d be in more of a
leadership role in my class rather than that of custodian.
Things were not going well, the kids were out of control,
and I was extremely frustrated. I was ready to give up on the program. I was
ready to go back home to Danville. I was angry, disappointed, and frustrated. One
evening, one of my roommates and I made a list. We divided this list into two
categories: Why I did YAV and How I feel about YAV-Chicago right now. So, here
is why I did YAV:
-I felt like I could do more
ministry/service than at home (music & youth, worship planning, being more
involved as not just a lay person doing things but as a more interested
leader/rep/mission minister through YAV)
-Chicago would stretch me the most
(outside my comfort zone) forcing me to rely fully on God, living in a HUGE
city, living in community with other YAVs
-I was looking forward to a
different type of service such as living in community (even though it would be
a struggle), and discerning my future (with tools and space to do so).
-I was expecting challenges and
growth
Now, this is how I felt at the time we made this list:
-I am
frustrated, angry; I feel betrayed; I feel like I’ve been lied to
-I don’t
feel like I’m doing at all what I thought I’d be doing
-I am
feeling very under-utilized
-I feel
like no one is listening/I haven’t been heard
-I feel
trapped (stuck at a placement where I’m being under-utilized)
-I feel
like I have not been given the tools/resources to discern
-I feel
like the “community” part is the only good thing now
-I came
in with high expectations and have been greatly disappointed
-I feel
like I’m stunted with no room to grow
I had expressed some of these feelings to supervisors,
friends, and mentors, but still had these feelings. One day, probably a week
after making this list, I had conversations with a few people about how I was
feeling. Each one of them said the same thing. They said that I have been given
an amazing opportunity to live in the city. I might not be doing what I thought
I’d be doing or what I wanted to be doing, but there are so many amazing things
in the city I can get involved with. They all said to use the negative things
that had been happening, use the negative feelings and turn them around to do
something good. Hearing that was like a slap in the face and a wakeup call.
After that my attitude changed dramatically. Things started
to improve by 100%! Opportunities started to present themselves. One day, the
teacher I work with was sick and I had to be in charge of the class. I’m
getting emails about volunteer opportunities at churches that have programs for
LGBTQ youth, which is something I’m quite passionate about. The Center on
Halsted (the LGBTQ center in Chicago) has many volunteer opportunities! I’m
signed up for their volunteer orientation after Thanksgiving.
Satan is working. He’s trying to make me lose focus, get me
distracted. God, however, is working much harder.
I was at church on Sunday at the church where I help with
the drumming class. The interim pastor there is the one who was our interim
site coordinator while the actual site coordinator was on maternity leave. He
and I have had many conversations over the past six weeks. He told me on Sunday
that in the past month and a half he has already seen me grow so much. It made
me realize that all that I’ve been through in such a short time has all been
worth it. There will still be struggles, but without struggles, we can’t grow.
As uncomfortable as it may be, it will be worth it all!
